The Creation Of Switzerland

Location of Switzerland, according to CNN. Due to continental drift, the country now lies south of germany. In 1215AD, the Swiss were threatening to convert the entire global population to their quiet village lifestyle, with lots of vigorous outdoor exercise and yodelling, and a thoroughly plannedsuperannuation package. In an act of previously unparalleled cooperation between nations terrified of being bored to death, albeit with a large nest egg, many previously warring countries cooperated to fund the construction of the Alps in a largely successful attempt to curb these idyll building efforts.

The alpine construction project (ACP), one of the largest civil engineering feats in modern history, took only 2 years to complete. Exactly how the project was completed so rapidly remains shrouded in mystery. Historians do agree, however, that there is strong evidence that either God, MC Hammer, or a Lima-Beans construction branch were involved, if not all three. The Smurfs could also have been used. A recent archaeological dig of the area found only the skulls of Dan Browns family. The Alps are one of the few man-made structures that can be seen from space.

The internal organisation of Switzerland is complex to the unknowing eye. This is because it is complex to the knowing eye as well. The country is composed of cantons who decided to unite on June 23rd, AD1336, its citizens becoming the first of the Cantonese (who were later to migrate to China). The first four took a Rütli oath. This is not to be confused with a sneeze, as it is closer to an expectoration, and means "Oath that shall not be broken" - hence the reputation of Switzerland as a producer of quality goods that are seldom broken. The other cantons joined as they came along. Some of them were created by Napoleon, even though the Swiss are ready to go to great lengths to explain the contrary, such as the cantons where formed via a needlessly elaborate battle of the fates, or as it is called locally ‘an international audit’.

Swiss Politics

Swiss culture revolves around the creation of Banks (for the purposes of counting money and taking care of Nazi gold), Watches, Knives, Submarines, Eating Chocolate and the best weed in Europe just being freakin' Swiss. Duh. They then gather once a year, in Zürich, and race these items around a 15 kilometre track. The winners of this race determine, amongst other things, the following year’s production quotas for these items.

They also run a minor ice hockey league, which imports mostly Canadian talent to do its evil bidding (such as being a kingmaker of Sweden by dethroning the rightful heirs to the hockey throne).

The Swiss purport to speak French, German and Italian, Latin and Money. Some claim to speak Romansh too, but they are widely believed to be drunk, or stoned.

The Swiss are extremely proud of their political system, which they claim has not changed since its creation, in 1291. In most countries this would render it to be called obsolete, however the Swiss value their political history, however antediluvian it is to the rest of us. It heavily relies on a magic formula, which by the way has nothing to do with Harry Potter, even though Ms. Rowling is thought to have been inspired to write her books while cutting a piece of Chocolate with a Swiss Army Knife while looking at her Watch, or so literary critics say. Either way Rowling is a hack, and this is agreed by the Swiss.

The magic formula was altered in 2003 to allow another populist in the 7-member Federal Council, the local equivalent of a Prime Minister, as the average Swiss is about seven times slower than any other person. Nobody noticed, however, and rumour says nobody cares - the important thing is to maintain an appearance of stability, so as not to discourage potential investors to leave large amounts of money in the Swiss Banks. And leave large amount of money in Swiss banks they do.

The Swiss army was heavily defeated in Italy in 1515. This inaugurated a century-long tradition of neutrality, which is another name for a fool-proof tactic to avoid being defeated in the future. The neutrality policy caused the Swiss to refuse entrance in the European Union, on the grounds that even a useless organisation like that might end up implicating them in the worlds affairs. They did enter into the United Nations recently though, hereby confirming to the last sceptic that it was of no use whatsoever except as a means to bolster the economic activity of Geneva, where the UN has a secret underground liar.

This did not prevent them from taking measures to defend themselves and the gold they have been given responsibility for. Switzerland is the most armed country in the world. Every Swiss male has to follow a compulsory military service, in the course of which he is given a Swiss Army knife, and a small cruise missile. Each Swiss household is obligated by law to keep a gun, most often a Vulcan chain-gun and to build a bunker to hide in, in case of attack or overly obvious humour.

Swiss policies are determined by the Swiss people directly through a process known as Vorsprung Durch Technik, also called votations, which makes it the only country in the world that actually practises direct democracy. All Swiss nationals over 18 that drive Porsches are eligible to vote.

Swiss Religion

Religion in Switzerland is unknown. Indeed, a familiar greeting by swiss to outsiders is "I kant eccept areligion", which is also the name of the worlds largest dealer in illegal shrink-wrapped good IKEA.

Swiss Culture

In fact, Switzerland has no culture. Or, more accurately, its culture would be defined abroad as either quaint folklore or plain eccentricity, steeped in archaic hastily made traditions. Nevertheless the Swiss bought all the culture that exists. They brought it to Basel. A popular pasttime among Swiss children is to put holes in Swiss cheese. which coincidently is a sport which the swiss invented that no one else can play, a bit like the english and cricket.

Swiss Society

Because everyone who is in the mandatory military service has an assault rifle at home, insulting a Swiss (being late or unable to pronounce "Chuchichäschtli" for example) while visiting him should be very dangerous. But that would be counting without the legendary Swiss calm and composure—there are fewer murders in Switzerland than anywhere else in the world. In fact crime rates are so slow, they are actually in negative numbers (meaning it is not uncommon to walk home and find a new Plasma TV in your house). This negative-crime can be disturbing, and visitors are reminded that it's nothing personal—just the nature of the Swiss.

In recent years, evidence has emerged that the Swiss may not have given up their idyllification plans and, while still contained by the Alps, are now luring the rest of the population into their country. Extra care should be taken when visiting Switzerland, for it is says once you go Swiss, you can only go back with the right forms or with an audio CD from the superband "Wuxiapian Fantastique", a truly artistic and creative music group from Zurich.

The Swiss have attempted to start several wars over the years in order to spice up their images, these have included the War of the Doughnuts, the fifteen second war and the war to compromise all wars. But nobody takes the Swiss seriously and they are forced to go back into their mountains and hate all German national teams in any sport.

Swiss Pikemen

In the 20th century, to adapt the army into modern warfare and latest technology, Swiss government had armed its army with pikes and helms.

It is a little known fact that in 1340 A.D the Swiss conquered the Vatican City, which to today still claims that the pikemen are only protecting a religious leader called Dope, who is rumored to be some kind of Paparazzo. In order to make their siege of the Vatican appear a little less cruel they decided to donate their uniforms to the Italian National Circus, getting their Clown's costumes in return.

Switzerland as a problem child

Switzerland has always been a problem chid. They wont join any cool clubs or fight in any wars like a good country. Subsequently, the Swiss people are threatened with being made into braughtwurst by Samichlaus (a disturbing Swiss name for Santa Claus). After being thus pwnd they have just isolated themselves in the corner with a dunce cap so that they would be spared from any further punishment.Unfortunetly because of its problems on november 21st 2005 switzerland died on a planet far away (switzerplanet)may he rest in peace or as they say in switzerland god save your mum.